Scattered

I’m feeling scattered. In many ways…messy house, overwhelmed with business stuff to do, transitioning kids into a new school, busy time of year and riding an emotional rollercoaster. I know I’ve been very lapse in posting to my blog. I recently took a look back and found a pattern of decreasing blog posts. In May, I was talking about being in overload and only posted once for the month. June was not much better with only 2 posts and then by July, I was still looking for my Mojo and not posting any more often. I missed August and September altogether.

I know that those who read regularly understand and support me while I chase my busy life, sit back and feel blue or look for my mojo. So, I’m not looking for pity just maybe thinking out loud. Trying to sort all the many thoughts in my head (Yes, over thinking again, as I do all too often.)

Several weeks ago a fellow blogger was planning to start a weekly blog party where we could post about the things we’re grateful for. At that time I was feeling sad and thought writing about my gratitude would help lift my spirits. I sat and wrote out a post listing all the blessings in my life. Then, I deleted it (like I almost deleted this one.) Not because I’m not grateful but it somehow seemed predictable or boastful and I didn’t feel any happier for looking at my glass half full. It just didn’t seem worth someone else’s time to read my little words.

Since then, I have occasionally thought of a few typical blog posts that I could write up and post. But then I talked myself out of writing and I think to myself, “who cares what I have to say”. I guess I’m searching for my self worth. And no one can find that for me, I have to discover that one on my own. I’ve had it in the past so I know it exists but I somehow misplaced it.

Once upon a time, I was a really good Occupational Therapist and LOVED that career. I feel okay with that being in my past. I left O.T. to be a full-time stay-at-home Mom and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love that I am able to be at home for my children and so very grateful that I was given these beautiful gifts from heaven. I try to work daily at being the best Mom they can have. Sometimes I fall short but I work harder the next day and I think I’m doing a fair job. And I know that I will continue to get better at this job.

But I want more than that for myself and for them. I want to have something else in my life both for my own sense of accomplishment and to set an example for my children.

Therein is part of where some of my current struggles are coming from. This whole business thing I do is a tough, up and down world. If only I had a crystal ball. I know I make very nice jewelry. My purses are very pretty and unique. In everything I make I use quality products and my attention to detail is incredibly high. Walking away from a weekend spent at a vendor show with subpar sells is more than depleting. I spend week’s diverting my attention from my children, to produce my inventory. Then I miss a weekend of family time to sit at a table and watch people walk past. I would do it over and over again if I knew the outcome would result in some big break or that my kiddos would somehow benefit from the ground work I laid.

I don’t want this to seem whiny I just want to say that I’m still here and I do think about returning to blog land but for now I’m seeking out my self-worth, dealing with an occasionally chaotic life and coping with wavering inspiration. I’ll be more consistent when graceful words appear on the page before me.